On July 1 2020 my world changed forever.
For two weeks leading up to that day, I’d been having side effects from a new medication. I’d become paranoid, terrified to leave my apartment. Then on July 1, I woke up and everything was wrong.
Have you ever woken from a too-long nap and not known what day it was? You look at the clock and it says 7:00, but is that AM or PM? I was trapped in that confusion 24/7.
Nothing was familiar. Black was white, up was down. I felt like an outsider in my own body. I was a zombie. A million miles away when you spoke to me. The world was a very dark and scary place.
At the same time, my rational self knew it was just a side effect. My rational side and my breakdown side didn’t just argue about reality in my head – they were at WAR. It was so loud, so ugly, so scary.
Permanent damage has been done to my mental health, but in time I rose above it. 6 years later, I actually feel better than I did before.
In my darkest moments, I wrote these lines. Some are from my pre-July 1 POV, some are post, and some are the POV of a me who never really existed.
I’m not a writer. Please be kind.
the relentless storm
ravaging my head
a cyclone of all the things
i should have said
so many things
i neglected to tell you
i didn't think i needed to
i truly thought
you just knew
i watch the rain
and can't help but picture
little droplet trails
drawing lines
down your window
we watch them race
taking bets
as we lay beneath
little droplet races
drawing lines of light
reflected on our faces
when she dances
she's dancing
to my favorite song
the deeper i sink
the darker my sky
the brighter they shine
the more they thrive
they're so happy i'm smiling once more
but it isn't the same smile as before
i know they can all see
it's not the smile you gave to me
so i guess
this is just how it is going to be
mourning the life
i'd planned
for the rest of the life
i'll have
how can it be
that such a vivid dream of forever
will forever only be a dream?
it came overnight
like a swift demolition
wrecking balls and dynamite
but
i was left standing
to be forgotten
to fall apart
alone
to crumble
my beautiful castle of dreams
slowly
all around me
turning to dust
i believed in it
more than i
ever
believed in myself
and when it ended
when it broke
when it died
so did i.
time isn't healing
time gives time for more reminders
time gives time for more pain
to cry
to mourn
time gives time to make it worse
Losing all joy
hope
dreams
can really change a person.
I don't like me
anymore.
I held on
as though your were a beautiful balloon.
I held on as tightly as i could
as each day you floating
higher,
farther.
But I held on
as though you might want to find your way back
until one day it became clear
the sky was calling you,
and I can't compare.
you don't want to ever come back down.
so I let go,
and away you floated.
Higher,
farther.
Out of reach,
out of sight,
forever.
you ruined beautiful days
gloomy days
happy songs
sad songs
my favorite song
twinkling stars
dancing butterflies
and me
You lifted me up so high
I thought I could dance with the stars
But you left me in darkness
Stars out of reach
You out of sight
Left with nothing
Cold, scared,
Alone
I was so excited to meet
the woman
I was becoming
so many plans just left to rot
hanging before me
like clothes i swore
i'll fit into someday
(and i really did
intend to try do,
honest to god)
i'm so sorry
for everything i did wrong
i'm so sorry
for everything i didn't do right
i'm so sorry
Were you the sun, was I the moon?
'cause, god, how you made me shine
and, god, how you burned me alive
As you wake
somewhere out there,
I close my eyes.
where I used to dream,
now, I only sleep.
The more my heart breaks,
that's just more pieces of heart
to beat and live and cry
and ache
